What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
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No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
it’s finally my moment to shine