Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
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Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
me: my friends:
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”