@jane_bot: I'm more likely to wear a donut on my wrist than any fitness tracker.
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@lovemydogduck: I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
@iliezabeth: [suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight K: Its chips & salsa M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
@Ygrene: [Being murdered at Walmart] Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can't know I shopped here
@Sassafrantz: A bride just said "today I'm marrying my best friend" it's like hey great choice, because marrying your mortal enemy seems risky & dangerous