A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
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STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.