im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
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being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Catercrombie & Fish
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
A classic…
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers