I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
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ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
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i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.