I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
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Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Worth remembering.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
so weird how every mom was born today
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Only Americans understand
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.