I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
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My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I have written yet another poem about laundry
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.