I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
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Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe