@jewfacekilla: I'm my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
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@slimmy_shady: Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
@lecalabara: If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
@Chumpstring: KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I'm holding your son for ransom. DAD: I have no money, what's the ransom? KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.
@AnniemuMary: Omg, do you mind? I'm busy. This dinner isn't going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.