I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
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them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG