I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
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I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok