@PaigeKellerman: I'm never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
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@ThingsDrakeDo: A shopping mall. Drake walks past a man dressed as Santa, who yells out, "Ho! Ho! Ho!" "Yeah," Drake sighs as he keeps walking. "She was."
@yenniwhite: Goals for my kids before I had them: teach them Spanish, only use positive reinforcement, never yell. After: get them to put on pants.
@MarfSalvador: Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
@andsarah2: I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.