I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
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At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
The fall of Netflix
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe