“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
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“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.