@theNuzzy: I'm never gonna tell the person I'm meeting up with that you said hi.
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@Lisa_Laughs_: I'm going to throw an awesome surprise party for my daughter when she gets home and realizes I know that she snuck out! SURPRISE!
@LuvPug: I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage. She didn't seem to appreciate my sincerity.
@phaggots: [texting my girlfriend] wyd? "Just finished my homework" Cool, Send a pic (; ? *gf sends a nude* Ewww wtf!! i meant of your homework!
@GianDoh: All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.