I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
You Might Also Like
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner