I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
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in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no