I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
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This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.