When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
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As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.