@juliussharpe: I'm never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
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@TheRolo: 911: What is your emergency? Me: I love you. 911: Hang up. Me: No you hang up. 911: Stop. Me: This is so us.
@internetluke: [at dinner party] Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant. Vegan: I'm vegan
@HatfieldAnne: I'm no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
@FatherWithTwins: I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.