Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
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Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.