I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
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I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone