I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
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My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Investing in beetcoin
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Just ordered me some pizza!
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.