@LackOfShame: I'm no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you're pulling your tampons out way too fast.
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@B_poling82: Hello, welcome to the evening news, where we're going to scare the shit out of you for 45 minutes, then weather & sports. Stay tuned.
@flashember: Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats. Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep? "Shhh let sleeping dogs lie."
@ArfMeasures: WIFE: You can't tell kids they're grounded anymore ME: Why not? W: They weren't our kids M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?