I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
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My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
👾👾👾
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face