“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
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Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Gemma Correll
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.