The options really are this bad
You Might Also Like
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no