I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
You Might Also Like
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.