@realHamOnWry: I'm no different than the average working guy. I have two arms, two legs and 4.2 billion dollars. ~ Donald Trump
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@SamuelHLowe: - I'd like to make a reservation. - Name? - Matthew McConaughey. - Can you spell that for me? - No.
@Marlebean: Dear future self, No, you weren't robbed. You left your house like this. Sincerely, You, you dumb slob.
@QwertyJones3: [gynecologist making small talk during an exam] DOCTOR: So you're in the military? HER: Yes DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
@donjuantip: Your cell should have a 'drunk mode' like 'airplane mode' so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.