is this a warning or an offer?
You Might Also Like
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
bias laundering edition
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!