I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
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Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I feel it
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.