I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
You Might Also Like
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Breakfast for Stoners:
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.