I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
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My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
God has left this place
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
he was correct
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.