@TommyKarate: I'm no genius but I'm pretty sure Mexicans with anxiety have Hispanic attacks.
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@thatUPSdude: Niece: Uncle I can't find my Girl Scout cookies? Me: (slow kicks empty boxes under couch) That's Weird.
@shanethevein: Want followers? Tweet something funny. Can't think of anything? Tweet something honest. Can't say anything honest or funny? Try Facebook.
@sofarrsogud: *maintains eye contact while checking 'Dating Librarians For Dummies' out from the library.
@MakesYouGiggle: I don't draw my eyebrows on because I can't commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?