Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
You Might Also Like
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.