Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
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her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas