I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
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M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.