I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
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Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
#winning
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”