I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
You Might Also Like
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled