ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
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CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
This kinda thing happens to me often
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.