Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
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1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I’m a carb girl, born and bread