I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
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Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
When ur friends with white people
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.