I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
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Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Finally! 😈
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again