I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
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*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”