I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
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DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
79.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”