Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
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Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.