I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
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Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.