I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
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Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Breaking news:
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”