“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
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The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
How to draw a duck
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.