I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
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So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
channeling her this year
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.