I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
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Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
S O O N
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.