@wickedimproper: I'm not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
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@jazmasta: [at Indian restaurant] "Those triangular pastry parcels with the spicy filling were delicious!" "Samosa?" "Oh no thanks, I'm full"
@Jenny4ashley: Boss: Are you high? Me: If I was high could I do this? *teleports two inches to the right*
@thatUPSdude: I'm not saying I'm bilingual but Brad Pitt is hot. In other news, I might not know what bilingual means.
@doguacate: when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won't eat a dog