I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
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ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!