“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
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Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
peeping toms
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Cucumbers Anonymous
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
(2022)
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them